Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Naw, I'm not traumatised from being picked 13th from a class of 26 kids when it was time to play Grade Five soccer. Sometimes I'd be picked 8th, sometimes 19th. Never 2nd or 3rd. I really don't give a fuck about my childhood of athletic mediocrity. But this whole choosing-teams thing is what led me towards wrestling and maybe hitting a tennis ball now and then: I'm not a team player when it comes to sports. I don't want to be responsible for my team losing in sports. My answer is to not play sports.

You know what's trauma? The kids who were picked after me. The pool dwindles and the candidates deteriorate from Biggest Jock to Semi-Potent to Flaccid n' Forgettable. Each kid that gets picked before you is another dagger in your self-esteem. As the pack of Unchosen and Unwanted thins out -- and you're still in that pack -- your anxiety quickly becomes desperation. Whenever I got picked, I never felt proud. I felt relieved.

Think about the remaining handful of rejects. Think about the final two. It becomes a competition about who doesn't suck absolutely the hardest. There's always a pause when it's the final two. The captains are judging carefully: Who sucks less, who blows hardest? They would rather not pick either of the Two Uselesses but they have to because this is elementary school and we teach fair play and all young students should participate in sports and be treated with equal respect and nurture. And so one kid is picked second-last, albeit begrudgingly. But PHEW! At least that kid wasn't picked absolutely last because the absolutely last kid will be picked by default, super-begrudgingly, and must super suck fat cocks in sports, obviously. I have a twenty-year-old memory of one captain rolling his eyes and complaining when he found himself stuck with the absolutely last kid who happened to be pale, bespectacled, and Malaysian. She was always always picked last last. She was very quiet in class. And that's why she was forced to take phys ed: Sports build confidence, you see.

Anyways, I'm not bitter or anything 'cause I was never picked absolutely last. But I've learned that sports fucking suck unless:

1. I am watching others play.
2. I am watching someone good play.
3. You are good at sports.

I ride my bicycle everywhere, I walk everywhere, I miss swimming. I think I'm pretty fit and I'm surprisingly agile at the age of no-longer-twenties. I'm spry. But no, I don't want to be on your team unless we're gonna make a film or put on a play.

The point of all this is, hey!, I've got a great fucking idea that you should start using 'cause it's fucking goods: When we have two teams, let's distinguish them as Team 1 vs. Team A.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Mr. Guraliuk taught us in 1995 to spell "renaissance" to the tune of "Mickey Mouse". I still do.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


The way to spell Caribbean is to think about a Carib bean.